#Status: Single? Taken? Depends on who is asking ...
I woke up this morning feeling GREAT! I realize this is not a monumental statement for most - but for me? It was everything.
::whispers:: ... it means I am back on track ...
I have spent the better part of the last 2.5 years in a serious committed relationship.
(I’ve been deliriously lucky to have two wonderful people in my life that I learned and loved from.)
One thing I am not proud of is the lack of identity I had within both relationships. With the first one, I left LA (my home of almost 10 years) to live on an island on the other side of the country, and frankly what felt like the other side of the world. He hated hated hated the fact that I wrote a blog and spoke so candidly about dating, sex, and whatever random topic I felt inclined to discuss with great candor.
Totally got it. And to be honest, my activities and general life narrative wasn’t fulfilling - so seeing this as a new change of pace, I welcomed it with open arms.
In the process, I not only lost myself, I lost my interests.
His life was so different than anything I was used to, and I was in a new environment with new friends, and people that could care less about tech, pop culture, and the general musings of life in the land of LA LA.
It kicked my ass, and frankly, it needed to be kicked.
After we broke up I got a new apartment, a dog, and eventually healed my broken heart. (That one took a REALLY long time.)
Flash forward (to when I hope we were actually broken up), this other guy around town was beginning to take a liking. He was nice, but I could tell a total player; I didn’t want ANY of it ( ... from anyone).
I hung out with my girlfriends, worked, volunteered at the food ministry at two local churches, went to spin class, and mainly just kept to myself. Anytime you tell a guy you aren’t interested - it only makes them MORE interested in you.
I totally set myself up for this one.
One very drunken birthday evening, in a town off the island, I woke up in his bed (and not my own which was a few doors down). We had legitimately become best friends at this point, so it wasn’t like this was just a wham bam thank you ma’am. We spent the morning in bed laughing our asses off at how random the evening before was, and what a great time we had. I felt so awkward being naked next to him, but he had this smile and pride smeared all over his face. I had never seen someone so happy ... after nine months he had divided and conquered and proudly called himself my boyfriend (something I legitimately didn’t want with anyone).
<tangent> I can say, he was the first guy that made me truly, truly laugh. He LOVES to have fun and be the life of the party. He’s got the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met - but I KNEW going in how different we were, and was (I thought) very cautious about not even kissing him. </tangent>
After a while, our now relationship grew, and I was truly in love with him. The fact that we were best friends going into it made it so much easier. He’s so magnetic, and good at talking to people. At that point, I had left the “shameless self promoter” somewhere by the side of the road, so it was nice to just get to sit back and relax - and truly listen to people sans any motives, or personal gain. I just loved this person so much, and there I went being singularly focused again ... pattern repeated.
It is exhausting being unhappy. This entire year I have had zero motivation, and none of that joie de vivre that had (up until this point) been paramount to my success.
I’ve spent the last month in Texas, West Palm, Palm beach, and Miami all on a quest to reconnect with old contacts, and simultaneously make new ones. Last week, I met with a VC (venture capitalist) who had inquired as to the direction of my life.
“I don’t know, I admitted. My life rights have been optioned, first website done, was just on TV for a new project that I can’t publicly talk about
(annoying), I feel like I’m nearing the peak of my career and I’m not acting like it. I’m not even stagnant ... I’m barely breathing. I wake up and go to sleep.”
I then looked down at the ground not wanting to cry, and admitted that, “I’m starting to believe that I’ve lost faith in myself. What good was all of this for if I’m still so unhappy?”
He stopped me. You’re not unhappy ... you’re just unfulfilled. People like you get bored easily. Admit that you’re bored, and move on. Quit being a victim. You’re 30 now, and on the stock market, we give someone ‘til their 35 to make their first million. That time is closing in on you, girl. Do you want it or not?
He continued, I don’t doubt that people see the potential in you, but you can’t just rely on that. Stay away from relationships, stay away from the thought that you’re going to settle down in the next however long. I can tell you right now, you’re not. You need to go back to hustling, and be smarter in terms of making true money. These Hollywood people love to tell you whatever you want to hear, but what’s putting money in your bank?
You’re right, I said. Thank you.
He continued, I’d be happy to just sit here and blow sunshine up your skirt, but I gather this isn’t what you want to hear.
No sir, it isn’t, I said.
You’ve got the world at your feet right now, and what the hell are you doing about it? Why are you even meeting with me? Go build something. The satisfaction from that will make you happy again.
This morning (advice taken) I went for a run (something I love and haven’t been doing), and am sitting in a coffee shop, with my converse, backpack, and getting my work did.
I need to stop waiting for life to happen to me, and go and do something about it.
Scuse me for a minute ... I’ll brb ;)