#RealDeal: Zen and the art of blowing (... this isn't just a "job" anymore)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

Could Dickens have been referring to dating in 2015? Sure sounds like a lot of my girlfriends describing Tinder.

I've been thinking a lot about "gender" lately in terms of the complexities (and fluidity) of the "rules" we all adhere to unconsciously, in addition to taking a step back and saying WTF have we gotten ourselves into?!

Maestro ...

<tangent> Before I start, I have to laugh that this morning I woke up to two posts on my Facebook wall that were both fantastically appropriate ...

Many thanks for the smiles. </tangent>

Years and years ago before Talk Nerdy sold, I remember someone tweeting a post saying that I would enjoy it because I was a feminist.

Angry, I tweeted back I am NOT a feminist!!! (speaking in terms of the "derogatory" nature of the word.)

Then, sometime later I developed an obsession with researching the literal definition of words (and not just the often popular misuse of so many).

<tangent> If I hear one more time someone use the word "notoriety" in terms of developing fame in a positive manner I might go fucking insane.

Hitler was notorious, Biggie was notorious due to self proclamation - unless there is a negative component to the way that you have gained popularity you are only truly "notorious" in your own mind. </tangent>

Here is the actual definition for "feminist:"

One who supports feminism.

Okay, let me look that one up too ...

Let me re-type this so we can all read how black and white this is.

Noun, the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of political, social, and economic equality to men.

That's IT!!!?!?!?! Are you fucking kidding me?!!?

Do I support equal rights across all fronts for women?

Absolutely!

Wait, what if a guy feels the same way, does that make him a feminist too?

Absolutely!

Why is there this popular understanding that to be a "feminist" one must hate men?

The LITERAL definition of the word proves otherwise.

Gender equality. That's all feminism requests. The ability to give women the same rights as men.

The other day, I was hanging with my buddy and we were taking bets on saying inappropriate things to one another to 1) make the other laugh, and 2) make everyone else around us feel SUPER uncomfortable.

He continued the texts after I grabbed my LYFT home ...

(I make it a rule to always text my friends when I am home safe.)

Knowing the conversation we were having all evening, if I HAD actually read that (knowing him) it would have made me laugh.

HOWEVER, what surprised me was the fact that my brain COMPLETELY glossed over it like it was totes no big dee for a guy to say something like that to me - I get it 1000 times a day anyway.

Context in this particular situation aside, do you have any idea how HORRIBLE it is to be a woman on the internet?

You don't even have to be an "internet personality," just BE A WOMAN WITH A SINGLE YOUTUBE VIDEO!!! Holy crap the comment section is one of the scariest places on the planet.

Story ...

Five years ago, I was sitting in an airport and Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top happened to sit down next to me.

Now, when you see both of them together it's HOLY SHIT THAT'S ZZ Top!! This is the greatest thing ever!!

I had the single pack option, and genuinely just thought he looked like a quirky human being.

The flight attendant said something to him about his trip, and I had overheard that he had just gotten back from Belize.

During my couch surfing days on Talk Nerdy, instead of actually admitting to people that I was fully couch surfing, and or living in cars - I instead declared that I was on "tour." I called it the Unapologetically Awesome Tour in an effort to reach out to brands for a sponsorship. I had no idea where I was going while I was actually doing it (I sure as shit didn't mean to get to 12 states with $10 to my name), but when he mentioned Belize, my instinct was to ask him where he suggested to go while I was there (should I actually end up there).

We chatted for a minute, and then when I asked him something about whether he travels for work or pleasure, he told me to google "Billy Bones."

He had recently appeared on an episode of the hit TV show Bones, and then finally it clicked as to who this gentleman was.

Come on, he said as we got called to board. I like you, sit next to me.

(He flies on Southwest because, as I found out, he was one of the first people to ever fly on that airline. He has some sort of "lifetime membership.")

I had a sponsorship at the time from AOL and Ford so I had a FlipCam (and a back up one) as I asked Billy if I could make a quick video showing him twitter. Before I had even sat down I was freaking out telling people who I was with and asking them to submit questions.

Within minutes, (before the plane took off) the questions were pouring in and I politely asked him if he wouldn't mind answering a few.

(Remember at this point NO ONE BOTHERED HIM. Nothing. I'm genuinely not kidding you how shocking it is that this man "blends in.")

I'll answer anything, he said with a smile.

I opened up twitter on my phone and he glanced down.

What is that?

Twitter, I said. Have you heard of it?

No.

I tweeted out to my "followers" that I was with you and people are asking questions.

With a total shit eating grin on his face he went, "get outta here" shocked that I was communicating with his fans in real time.

He then agreed to let me use my FlipCam as we quickly shot a video.

<tangent> Quick backstory re: the music this video is set to.

My dad and I go to concerts together as our "daddy daughter" bonding session. ZZ Top and Aerosmith were on tour together years back. I had wanted to see Aerosmith, he had wanted to see ZZ Top. Off the top of my head did I know any of their songs at the time? Nope. That's one of the reasons why he wanted to take me. The concert wound up getting cancelled so while we got the refund we didn't get the goods.

Did I mean to set that video to a George Thorogood song? Hell no. I wasn't on iTunes I had limewire, and it was mislabeled.

FYI, This is why you research before you post. </tangent>

Billy and I had a FANTASTIC time flying together. He privately told me about the time he spent in an ashram, and even gave me tips on not getting carpel tunnel as I get older.

We hit it off so much that he gave me his business card which has (in true bad ass fashion) an epic title ...

I have the card in the frame and out of respect obviously screenshot it to hide his information. It also makes me laugh that he has an earthlink email address. I commented on how retro that was/ still is.

I have the card in the frame and out of respect obviously screenshot it to hide his information. It also makes me laugh that he has an earthlink email address. I commented on how retro that was/ still is.

At the time of this post, the video has over 42,000 views and 79 comments.

Care to read a sampling?

What the fuck is wrong with people that they feel like that is ever okay to say to a woman!!

I was in a once-in-a-lifetime position with a legendary performer, and my instinct was to go on twitter and share it with my followers (whom were HUGE fans). What in that makes me a "whore," or means that I slept with him via a newfound membership to the mile high club?

Is that REALLY all that women are capable of?

Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.

Speaking of sex, do guys even know what they are doing in the first place?

A video popped up in my feed this morning called "The Mystery Of The Female Orgasm."

Does the female orgasm really need to be "explained" and "solved" like a complicated math equation, or wait, is it more like PI and while it starts off as 3.14 ... it adds in a 159 ... and holy shit, it ends in infinity.

Has the female orgasm become the anatomical equivalent of stopping and asking for directions?

Him: It just cannot be done!!! 

No wonder why (unfortunately) females fake it so much. We've got shit to do and don't have all day!!

When a woman sleeps with a guy for the first time (specifically orally), the VERY first thing he says is, "what do you think baby?"

We typically reply back with, so great baby mmmmm.

What we're literally looking at is a fucking penis.

The ONLY great thing about a penis is how compatible our bodies combined are physically, which directly results in our pleasure.

Instead of telling that to our guy (laughs ... who wants brutal honesty anyway), we then sit/ straddle while we force ourselves into zen mode of describing everything we are doing to keep you turned on.

"Oh baby, you like my mouth while I place it on ... your ... cock? How about if I move down to your balls baby, would you like that?" 

WTF are we doing?!?! Personally, I am a huge fan of oral (giving and receiving) but have you ever heard of a woman say, "what do you think baby" when sleeping with a guy for the first time.

Sex at that point becomes a choose your own adventure.

We want you to either suck it or fuck it, and all we're going to say is ...

So, now not only does sex occupy the majority of a man's mental capacity, but most of ya'll still don't know how to please a lady?

Here we are being labeled the "whores" and "sluts" of the world, all while we are the only ones actually getting the "job" (::cough cough:: blowing) done.

... and did I mention that we also didn't have to stop and ask for directions?

Sex in any form is amazing. It's the ONE common denominator in all of us. Gender, race, age, religion - at the end of the day we are all products of two people making whoopie.

Why is it that in 2015 we're still making these judgements and derogatory comments to women that don't even have a spectrum for measurement? They're meant solely to surpress.

She's a whore ...

You're a whore ...

No, you're actually dead.

No, you're actually dead.

What is the literal definition of a whore?

Unless your last form of accepted payment was through the crack between your legs, I think you're good.

Maybe feminist groups should start a marketing campaign coming up with a new slogan/ branding for the term "male slut."

If we popularized it enough, could it THEN FINALLY make us realize how ridiculous this whole thing is?!?

Instead of "judging" a woman for coming home with you, why not ask her how her body really feels? Because CLEARLY you are missing the boat on that one.